Tag Archives: story

Vanilla Pudding

Standard

There are few stories that are too funny to be untrue. But even fewer of those get printed on the first page. Here is one.

Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2, 1999.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately.

The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one robber said, “At least we’ll have a bit to eat.” The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.

They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

“IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.”

Season Ticket

Standard

Sarah and her Husband

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. “Listen to this,” she said. “There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”

“Hmmm,” her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”

“Absolutely not,” he said.

“How sweet,” Sarah said. “Tell me why not.”

“Season’s more than half over,” he said.

 

Nuts,Guts and Cracked Eggs

Standard

Sometimes u don’t know what u want in life, until u get kicked in the nuts, literally.

This is precisely what happened to me, on a late freezing winters night I was walking on an abandoned strip outside the city. Minding my own business, lost in my thoughts. Pondering about my personal and professional lives. Evaluating which one was worst, when suddenly I was ambushed by some local goons.  They were three, and each one of them could easily be counted as three.

no wait!

I am not telling u this face to face, u cant see me. haah!! this is an anonymus blog u dont even know my name, or where i live. Damn! u dont know first thing about me. then why the hell I am lying my guts out. Although one thing so far is true, my guts did came out  that day. And yes, no I mean sorry, it was a day not a night but a bright sunny day.

lets start all over again…

It was a bright sunny day. And from where I live, by sunny day we mean that the sun is so close to u that u can pinch his cheeks or count his eye lashes. With absolutly nothing to look farword to professionly and dady’s money to splurge, or whats left of it. I along with two friends, was roaming in a local market .

Before we get ahead. u should know something about my friends. A) they spend more hours in gym than sleeping B) for some reason they only focus on their chests and that of thier female companions. C) after 8 months of A n B they look like letter ‘V’ or ‘W’ if both of them are walking together, i used to call them Humpty and Dumpty.  And D) they both wear pants that are so thight, so tight that sometimes I fear if it possibly can get any tighter, oil will come out of thier bodies.

coming back to where we left off,

so wondering in the streets of a nearby bazaar, with the ‘W’,  dripping like a faucet under the beaming sun, but still managing to look cool shoulders above. I looked at every passing girl,woman, mother of small twins, mediam twins, large twins, extra large…I think I should stop  now(i do have this tendency to go overboard, soon u’ll realize). It was then, when I saw the most beautiful girl that I had seen that whole afternoon. Needles to say that I had fallen hopelessly in love with her. She along with her double d’s, I mean two dee-dee’s (sisters), sorry! Bad tendency, was there, I think, for me and the ‘W’.

With coconut in one hand and handkerchief in other I went towards her . We both looked in each others eyes. Deep purple, she had the most weird n lovely piece of contact lenses on.

hello!, said I.

move!! came the reply, she was a nightingale.

I offered to wipe her forehead. Surprised, she looked at her sisters, which were bieng simultaneously given the full body scan by my trusted aides.

Ruthlessly she took the handkerchief from my hand and threw it on the road. Straight in to the fresh green dung, cow dung.

She and her sisters were gettin agitated, i could see. But I too was her biggest admirer.

As Humpty was still busy giving the body scan and Dumpty was trying all his might to bend (remember the pants) and pickup the handkerchief. While with both my hands I offered her the coconut…”U can have this also!”

And With both of her hands she grabbed my nut, coconut.

with the my big, round, tender and juicy coconut in her hands (LOL!!!) she looked at her sisters, standing by her each shoulder. I was ecstatic, as  both of them gave her the nod. she raised the coconut over her sweaty forehead and  passed it to her sister. Which wasn’t too bad herself, or in absolute terms doable (Sorry!). Humpty’s eyes were fixed,He stood their motionless, senseless. What he saw transcended him in to another world. And Dumpty was still triyng to pickup the rag. I was the only with the eye contact.

HAAIYAA! one of them cried.

and with all her might one sister threw or rather slammed that coconut on humpty’s head. And like any guy who just had been hit on the back of his head by a huge coconut, he fell! The slamming of the coconut made a loud noise. Unable to comprehend what has happened, Dumpty hurriedly move back up and in that process the back of his pants, barely holding, couldn’t resist any more and gave away. With no boxers and the most ugliest part of his body now on public display , embarresed as hell he ran with his hands covering his modesty with all his streangth he could conjure up in those chicken legs, he ran!

I was the last man standing in front of  Charlie’s angels, not to mention three sets of beedy but ferocious looking Green, deep purple and orange eyes,.

And with another cry of HAAIYAA!!…. it was the last sound I remember  that came of those luscious lips. My dream girl planted one, right in my large but soft spot. 😦

Eyes went red, blood supply  in the head stopped. My balls came in my mouth and I fell.

I woke up in a hospital later that night, thankfully no complaint was filled.

With a whole night to myself, nursing my cracked eggs. I thought long and hard (unlike my… 😦 ) about my life. Trying to find the answers to boring questions like what have i became, what is going to be my future, what shoud i do with my life. And after hours n hours of deep thinking I finally discovered the purpose of my life.

I have realized that to get that sacred inner peace (which that old green rabbit so gravely brag about), I have to learn karate and find those sisters. And after one week of physical therapy, I will begin my quest and in 2 to 5 years, depending upon my interest level and their availability, I along with Humpty and Dumpty will hunt them individually.

***BoxerDog***

Standard

The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They’d have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ——- in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ——- in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves.”
“That’s nothing,” an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”

“$0.99 Only”

Standard

I was asked to write a story that includes some given elements, here are the elements:
1. Kermit, the klutz
2. Spelunking
3. Bobbie Sue (one leg), Grandpa (alien abductee?), Tookie (stoner dog)
4. Dark tone
5. Neon-pink umbrella
6. Nisha, Kermit’s exact opposite (met in a hospital)

This is my response, hope you like it…

Albeit a single bed, a small cupboard with an even smaller bathroom hardly makes for an house but for the sleepy head this ancestral home was much more than what he could have put up with his $3 an hour pay at ‘$0.99 only’. That night would have been like any other if it hadn’t been for that damn phone call.

it was half past 3 and Kermit was sleeping in his ‘bedrom’, coz two O’s demands a lot more space. The night was dark, there were no clouds and no soul in the street to break the deafening silence. With his trusted Tookie, a dog even more peculiar than its name, by his side guarding his masters belongings. Few utensils, some ugly photo frames, a pre WWII radio and a few clothes doesn’t really need any guarding but Tookie was up to it.  It was then, when the phone rang.

It was the Holly Family Hospital, His old man was in the psychiatric ward, ever since he went spelunking and was abducted by the aliens he hasn’t found this ignorant and at times mocking world very sane. Apparently Looney was refusing medicine. It took sleepy head  forty minutes of walk coupled with a a very expensive cab ride to reach there. But by the time he got there pa was back into his extra terrestrial dreams as if panic attack never happened, poor Kermit.

Disappointed and relived came out of the hospital he, looking for a yet another expensive cab ride, this time back to home. Also In search of the cab was someone else. Slim, about five and a half, looked his age, dressed in a black track suit she claimed to be from the same neighborhood , but he had never seen her. That was plausible since except his dad and few others from work sleepy didn’t knew anybody. And the only interactions he had with the opposite gender was with the chubby old ones that came to his store. Thrift, Kermit asked her to share a cab, she agreed. The girl had came to see her grandmother who also had a panic attack, poor girl.

The cab took almost an hour to reach its destination and our sleepy head about half an hour to ask her name, Nisha it was. They chatted a lot in the latter part of the journey; He told her all about his forefathers, she nodded a lot.  They were near their destination but decided to leave the cab and walk rest of the distance. Although he sternly protested but they shared the fare. He told her every story he could manage from his timid life, some of them were even real. Kermit’s house came first, as they were about to part their ways and were saying goodbyes. What kermit saw ran shivers down his spine, The bedroom light was on.

even with a history of klutziness, kermit was sure that he checked the lights before he left. Hurriedly and horridly they ran through the stairs. And to add to his horrors the door was ajar. They went inside, the whole house was in mess and sitting in the looney’s rocking chair old, wise, crocked, short, stocky with crutch in his one hand and a gun in the other and a hint of a grin peaking from the thicket that has grown on his face one legged Bobbie sue politely asked “Where is my gold ?”.

Gold! Kermit wasn’t sure that any one in his family has even seen gold. Even upon his repeated rejections Bobby sue didn’t acquiesced. He was in no mood to leave without his gold. He was sure that the gold he and Looney discovered while spelunking was hidden somewhere in this house. Bobby stood up pointed the gun at NIsha and asked for the one final time Whare izz mah ghold!..? . In reply sleepy whistled but nothing happened, to both nisha’s and bobby’s amazement he whistled again, again nothing happened. “Where is Tookie?” Asked Kermit. With a shimmer in his eyes “some where safe, but not for long“Sue replied.

Bobby left the building saying that they both have two hours to get him the gold otherwise he can forget “the damn dog!”. Kermit told her that she can leave but Nisha was very cooperative. She asked him wether his father ever mentioned or hinted at any thing to him about this, the reply was negative. Sleepy was sure that of all the conversations that took place in this house between him and his old man gold was never mentioned or hinted in any one of them.

They began searching the house, first they emptied the cupboard, although most of it was already on the floor. As Nisha was going through rest of the stuff. Kermit stood on his tows and with his arms stretched above his head, he searched the top of the cupboard with his eyes closed as he was trying to feel even the slightest of the things that could have been placed there.  Even with his arms stretched he couldn’t get to the backend of the surface. So he decided to jump and give a full swipe of his hand. He did the same and to his luck he actually hit something it fell on the ground but so did the klutzy.

It was the ugly photo frames wrapped in a thin clothe. The clothe wasn’t much of the protector, Sharp edge of one of the frames pierced the cloth, dented the wooden floor and also it self. The dull pink color from the edge came off and instead of the expected black color the frame was made up of some amber colored metal. He purposely scratched all three rest of them and they all were of the same build.

With glitter in his eyes and sheer bewilderment on his face he looked at the frames in his hand, they were quite heavy but he didn’t mind. It was then, when nisha snapped the frames from his hand and reminded him of Tookie, whom she never met, and his love for the dogs, nisha loved pet dogs.  The thought of running away with both the frames and nisha came to his mind several time but so did the happy memories of the stoner face. It was nearly dawn, With a heavy heart he went to the pre-decided meeting point and exchanged the frames for the damn dog. He patted Tookie, on his way back, he turned and ask NIsha “I guess you aren’t coming”  to which she replied “not without my dad and the Gold”.

Kermit was back at work, as usual he went up the ladder procured the asked item, came down the ladder. But this time was different, though he was at work his mind was somewhere else, he was thinking about the adventures of last night and how few hours back for roughly sixty minutes he had a fortune and a beautiful girl.As he handed over the neon pink umbrella to an old chubby lady, she asked “how much?“.
“$0.99 only” he replied.

Seeking Nirvana

Standard

the day was like any other the sun was beaming hard, a lot of hustling and bustling in the street most of it was unnecessary, except it was a holiday. Although I cherish the rare breed that holidays are, but spending four back to back in a strange town with very few, hardly any, friends or acquaintances  was an insipid task. It was the forth day and my boredom was at its zenith. With absolutely nothing to do and a 1970 tv set which was showing (although flickering would be more appropriate) daily soaps in an incomprehensible local language. I sat on a rocking chair near the window with stone cutters from nearby under construction house providing background music. I tried reading but my heart was somewhere else, somewhere 1000 miles away where my family and friends were celebrating this festive season.

all these thoughts made my eyelids unbearably heavy and I dozed off. It was late in the afternoon when rain bombarding my tin roof broke my captivation. As usual  power was out,though power came here four-five years ago, even she doesn’t spend more than half a day here. Sluggishly I got my self out the chair, feeling a bit underdone in my belly and with my trusted umbrella accompanying me I went out to eat. But for reasons beyond my understanding, my regular dinner was closed on a ‘festive holiday’. With umbrella in one hand and misfortune in another, I went further down the road, starving. I was walking parallel to a tree line and the sudden showers had breath life into them.

the rain was more of a drizzle now and my umbrella was working as a cane. It was getting a little dark when I heard a whistle coming from the woods. Like the rain it was light but persistent. And as so many other stories go I too followed the sound. It was melodious, the whistle, definitely the most beautiful thing I had ever heard, I was no longer hungry. Deep inside the woods I went, desperately wanting to find the source of such euphonious sound. My walk turned into trot but the whistle was fading, as if the person was running away from me.

under a spell I persuaded the sound but of no use. No matter how fast I walk, the whistle was sneaking away. It was dark now with full moon providing the only illumination,that was a beautiful scene but I didn’t had the time. Tired and desperately in search of nirvana. For one last hurrah, with one last gasp of breath I ran towards the origin. I ran between the trees, smashing all the follower beds that came in the way. I was almost out of breath when I saw the cave. It was a black cave not big in size but large enough to let one or two person sit inside and play music. The sight of a cave in a thick Forrest after dark is both intriguing and frightening but holding my umbrella as the Excalibur I entered.

to my bewilderment the cave was huge from inside and had a waterfall in it. I could hear the sound loud and clear and it wasn’t fading. oh! the sound it was mesmerizing and it was coming from behind the waterfall. There was no point in leaving now, I had to find the truth. I went inside the waterfall and came out on the other end.

What I saw is very hard for me to describe. I was standing on a port with ships bigger than the football fields, bigger than what I have seen in the movies. There were more people than I have seen in my entire life. Bright and bold cars raced past each other. Shops had there personal huge tv screens displaying there signs. Streetlights everywhere not a single crook on the street was dark, absolute abundance of electricity.It felt like my own space odyssey.I wondered on the street for awhile. But my joy was short-lived. I got bored of it, sheer chaos it was. All the cars, the sirens on ships, people yelling outside their coffee shops asking others to come in and the constant nonstop ringing of portable phones were deafening me. I went there looking for a melodious sound, a sound which was soothing to my soul but all that purposeless honking, ringing, yelling and loud music all that noise was hurting my ears. I saw ships bigger than fields, buildings taller than mountains, there were more people on the street than in my whole country but the view wasn’t appealing, even the air was hurting my eyes. I couldn’t understand what was happening, where had I come. It was then, a newspaper caught my sight. I picked it up, the photographs were in color but the thing that caught my eyes was the date which read aug22,2012.

Best Old Age Home

Standard

There are things which are just too good to be untrue and this is one of them.

A man was taking his old Mother to a home for old people. He wanted her to have the best one so he was investigating many of them. So one day he came to a home and the Head of the staff wanted to show him around. He asked his Mother to sit and wait in the entrance and the personal was going to watch over her

Fotosearch

while he was gone.

The old woman sat there for a while and then she suddenly started to lean over to the left side. A nurse hurried up to her, moved her up and placed a pillow at her left side. After a short while the old woman started to lean towards the right side. Of course the little nurse hurried to her and put her up in position, putting another pillow at her right side. Just a little while longer and the Mom now started to lean forward. She got propped up again by the nurse.

Now the son came back from his inspection. He had found that this home was absolutely the best he had seen. All rooms were very nicely furnished and there were skilled personal for the old ones. The price was also acceptable so he really thought that he found the right place for his Mom.

“Mom”, he said “I really think you will be happy here! What do you say?”

The Mother said: ” I do not want to stay here!” He was surprised and said: “But Mom – this is just the way you like it.  You will be taken good care of here.”

The old Lady said really firmly: ” I will not stay here – they don´t allow me to fart!”

Source: http://www.squidoo.com

Morning Glory

Standard

how should i go about this..

um….

okhay!

Let me start by telling you something about me. I love mother earth and everything about it , well not everything but many things, I love the wonderful water falls, the lush green grasses, the exotic jungles, from the mighty Himalayas to the tiny insects especially the teeny ones….I can go on and on but you got the gist.

and as one wise human has said “It is in the early morning hour that the unseen is seen, and that the far-off beauty and glory, vanquishing all their vagueness, move down upon us till they stand clear as crystal close over against the soul”. I too love the mornings, I love waking up early in the morning and taking my long and adventurous morning walks. but today i had the most extraordinary one.

It started like usual, I woke up before everyone else even before the sun, and very quietly I exited the house. I walked very quietly escaping the sight of  everyone else who was in the way, people wondering in the night just creeps me out.

as I walk down the streets, I find myself immersed by its serenity. Up till now, there are no words to describe the morning picture; not a single syllable. Many admire the autumn day, but when better to see the warm orange glow of the sun then dawn! Walking alongside the road brings you to numerous scenic locations. The way the sunlight hits the buildings; the outline of the magnificent constructions.To complete the scene, autumn trees of all sorts and colors crouched at the sides. The leaves have not abandoned the trees yet, although the vibrancy of its contours faded slightly. It is as if there is an unwritten change, that when something grows old and dies, something else awakens to replace the dead.

But before I could gasp the picturesque beauty in all its glory, the movement on the road had increased, there were a lot more people now. As I made my way past them, carefully avoiding each and every one of them I passed by a dog, maybe I was a little ‘too close’, probably I brushed him but to add to my horrors he was loose.

What then, I ran on my all fours and he on his. We were like bonnie and clyde, inseparable. We went past the tree lines, crossed a river, by the time we reached the outskirts my stamina had started to give away. With every passing second I was breathing more and more heavily. We crossed the large fields and came over the landfills. I could sense that my face had turned red with all that running, my legs were cramping up but I couldn’t let my self inhale that air for even one second and from there with my hand covering my nose and mouth I ran on my all threes. But he was a dog possessed, The incredibly fouled air had no impact on him. But somehow we made our way passed the landfills and landed on a construction site, and as I was about free my nose from its confinement, there I saw the board which said ‘Sulfur Mines’. My face was colorless, the heart was about to burst out of the chest, the stamina was ceasing, I lost all the feelings in the legs, the lungs were bagging for air, but I ran. As I was about to collapsed and let the dog has his way with me, there I saw a boundary wall. A wall taller than the mount Fuji itself, surely the damn dog cant climb that. And with one hand on my nose with my trembling legs I went towards the wall but the dog was determined too and with every passing moment I was conceding my lead so with all my might for one last hoorah!, like a tiger trying to catch its pray, I pounced on the wall and scaled it in seconds. Finally! I was free, I have won.

I had succeeded,my predicament had finally ended, no more dog, no more running and a lot of air. Fresh, cool, sweet air. Ah! air you beauty you almost took my breath away.

As the respiratory system was getting back on its feet, the eyes were busy scanning the premises and they stopped on a sign, a sign which had a black solid fan inscribed in a solid yellow circle inscribed in a triangle. I didn’t get it either so I looked for more clues and then I saw a board which read ‘Plutonium decomposes highly radioactive, wear mask at all times’.

That was my story. And here I am writing all that down as planets first talking lizard or the first one to confessed so.

Rabbit vs Tortoise,The lost word

Standard

I might have been six or seven when my dad first told me the tale of the rabbit who lost to a tortoise. And like any other kid of my age my reaction to the story was,lets just say quite predictable. I laughed at the stupidity and over confidence of the rabbit and was impressed by the determination of the tortoise, believed that hard work conquers all, blah blah.

Few weeks later me and my family went on a picnic near the woods. I still vaguely remember the day,where I was about to had the adventure of my life (but more on that later). It was like an any other warm spring evening. Mom and dad were sitting on a mat,chatting while me and my brother were playing catch, actually it was more of a fetch the ball where he used to throw the ball as far as he could and I was to get it back as fast as I can, let me tell you, for a guy who is just 4 years older than me he had amazingly strong arms or as he used to call them ‘bazookas’. It was getting late, so with all his might he bazooked it for one last time and it landed in the woods and as the game was, I went after it. I went deep inside the woods, in search of a green tennis ball. I was looking for the ball when I felt a moist breath on my elbow and then the voice came from behind “find your ball here you will not”. Horrified! I turned around and standing in front of me was a brute dressed in a brown sack towering about half a meter, stooping on a cane, a little green rabbit. For a boy who grew up listening about jungle folks finding a talking rabbit in jungle was, well pretty awesome.

There he told me a number of incredible stories I can’t recall most of them but I do remember one in vivid details, the one which completely shocked me. And that is the one I’m going to share now.

The old green rabbit in his soft and feeble voice spoke in weirdly constructed short sentences. He told me about 800 years ago when he was a young strongly built chap, he used to be the fastest runner the jungle had ever saw. The word about his accomplishments spread throughout the great greens, he became popular every animal wanted to be like him, every lady animal wanted to be with him and this success went into his head. He became disrespectful and inconsiderate towards other animals. Years passed, when he was about to announced his retirement there came an old cat in black boots, who challenged him that his nephew the blue eyed, torto can beat him anytime, anywhere. The rabbit, being too proud in his abilities, first laughed off the challenge but the sheer audacity of the cat to challenge the lightning bolt with such a slothful creation grew on him. He accepted the challenge announcing that it will be his last race, little did he knew of the clever ways of the cat. The race was set in for a two weeks time. For two weeks the rabbit trained hard for his last race, while the  cat went around the race track again and again as if memorizing every nook and corner.

Then came the race day, it was a long race as they had to lap the entire town and the whole town was waiting for them at the finish line. But just before the race, in the name of a friendly gesture the cat offered him a taco and being gracious enough the rabbit accepted it. Shortly after the race started the rabbit took an unassailable lead over tort and as he passed through the thick chaparrals his vision started to get blurry, dizziness overpowered his senses and he collapsed but the force inside him was strong, he regained his conscientiousness within minutes. He was sure that even with the time wasted in the woods he would still win the race as torto wouldn’t have gone more than a few blocks. As he ran even faster the sight of finish line grew in his eyes, but what he saw was beyond his worst nightmare. He looked at the proceeding ghastly as torto was being crowned the champion, his radiant brown eyes pierced rabbit’s heart.

Several weeks later he found out that the old cat has not one but two twin nephews the blue eyed torto and brown eyed iese. Feeling betrayed he went to town after town saying that it was torto and iese who defeated him , every animal who heard the sad tale of the rabbit felt sorry for him and was left a little impressed by the cleverness of the old cat. For years they recited the rabbit’s tale to each other on dinner, in family outings or over bonfires. They called it – the tale of the rabbit who lost to torto and iese. Over the many -many retelling that took place, few things were added to the story and a few details were omitted, one of them was ‘and’ in the title.